I can’t, I shouldn’t, not today, maybe tomorrow, not right now, later, I’m busy, I’m too tired, sorry but…, I would but…, No. Whatever way you choose to say it, you are saying NO.⁠
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And there is a time for no. No is for setting boundaries, no is a powerful stand against something, no is to warn against harm or danger. No should be a conscious decision to not do something. But how often are you really using ‘no’ as intended? And how often are you just saying no to avoid being seen, avoid taking chances, avoid being out of your comfort zone, avoid being who you really are?⁠
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If you are saying no more than you are saying yes, the likelihood is that you are missing out on a lot in life and you are saying no to parts of who you are. ⁠This leads you to feel like you have lost parts of yourself, because in some ways you have. Every time you deny who you are, you gradually bury that part of yourself until you can’t remember what you were like.

When I reflect on all the times I have said no to myself over the years the memory that sticks out most for me is being at a friends birthday party and being asked if I wanted to join in a baseball game. I knew my younger self would have loved playing, would have jumped at this opportunity, but in that moment I said no. I didn’t want to look stupid, I didn’t want to be noticed, and I didn’t want to allow myself to let loose and have fun.  I remember feeling sad that day but not really understanding why. Now I can see that I was not being true to who I am, I was denying myself the opportunity to be me and have fun.

On face value it doesn’t sound like a big deal to say no to playing baseball, but if I didn’t have a real reason not to, then why didn’t I say yes? And if this seemingly insignificant memory stands out to me, then how many times did I say no to things without recognising the damage it was having.

As Shonda Rhimes writes in ‘Year of Yes’, “losing yourself does not happen all at once. Losing yourself happens one ‘no’ at a time.”

If you’re saying no to things a lot, and your no’s aren’t making you feel empowered then ask yourself:

• What part of yourself are you saying no to?

• What are you missing out on by saying ‘no’?

• What would be different if you said yes?

Often the women I work with tell me it feels selfish to ‘want’. They haven’t been brought up to want things, instead they have been brought up to meet expectations. We live in a world full of expectations which we gradually assume to be our own. The expectations of parents, teachers, partners, professors, employers, society…the list continues. With all these competing expectations it is often hard to know what we actually desire.

Why does it even matter?

Every time you take on someone else’s expectations, a small part of who you are is hidden away. You mould yourself to fit the box that someone else wants you to fit into. In doing so you limit yourself to that space, you judge yourself if you don’t meet those expectations and you likely begin to feel like something is missing, like part of you is missing – the authentic part of yourself is missing. By hiding away your true self and attempting to meet these external expectations, you severely limit your ability to achieve your full potential.

What can you do about it?

1. Identify the noise

Create a list of all the expectations you currently feel and identify where those expectations are coming from. Highlight in one colour all the expectations that are from other people, institutions or society, In another colour highlight the expectations you put on yourself.

Re-read all the expectations and choose which ones you actually want to keep. Remember this is your choice. You don’t ‘have to’ do anything!

Once you have cut out the noise of external and outdated expectations ask yourself ‘What do I want?’

2. Reject ‘Junk’ values & Discover Meaningful values

Our values are what guide our decision making. When we know what our values are we usually have increased clarity about what we want. However, in the western world we are largely encouraged to subscribe to materialistic ‘junk’ values such as wanting more money, more possessions, status and recognition. These are not our own true values however and they get in the way of us really understanding what guides us and what our purpose is.

To uncover your values ask yourself;

a) Who do I admire?

What are the qualities of the people you admire? What about those qualities is important to you? For example ‘I admire Beyonce because she is strong’ could mean strength is a value.

b) What makes me angry?

When noticing what makes you angry, think about what value is being dishonoured by that action. For example ‘I get angry when others are publicly humiliated’ could be a value of compassion.

3. Spend time with yourself

Often when we are unsure of what we want, we ask friends, family and trusted advisors, or we search the internet looking for answers. Despite best intentions, this can often lead to information overload and overwhelm at all the options and conflicting advice.

Instead of asking others, choose an activity you enjoy and go and do it by yourself. Whilst you’re doing that reflect on what is important for you in life. If you imagine yourself at the end of your life, looking back on where you are now, what would your future self want to tell your current self?

By spending time with yourself, you have more space to think, reflect and to develop trust in your decision making.