Power is a word that generates an incredibly strong and often negative reaction from the women I work with. And yet, when asked to stand in their truth and describe who they are, they usually say powerful.
So where’s the disconnect? If being powerful is part of our essence, why are so many of us afraid to embrace power?
Is it because we’ve been brought up with the belief that power is bad, that it will corrupt us, that it will harm us and the people we care about?
Is it because we fear the responsibility that power brings?
Is it because we believe power might be at odds with what it means to be a woman?
For whatever reason we find ourselves shying away from power, it’s time for us to challenge those beliefs.
If you want to feel comfortable in leadership you need to learn to embrace your power.
You need to rebuild your relationship with power, especially your beliefs around it.
You need to embody it so that you can stand tall, knowing that you are leading authentically.
You need to create awareness of the positive impact that using your power can have on organizations, the people you lead, and society.
How can you re-define that relationship?
Understand your relationship with power: What emerges for you when you think about power? Who or what formed your understanding of what power is? What preconceived beliefs do you hold?
Re-define what power is for you: Explore what it means for you to be powerful and what would be possible if you owned your power. Consider the different types of power (subtle, soft, forceful, tyrannical…) and choose the elements that align best with your values.
Collect role models: Find examples of powerful leaders that inspire you. Learn about the impact they have had in their work.
Accept responsibility and take ownership at work: Whether it’s a project, a team, a task or a resource, accept responsibility for it and practice showing up in your full power.
Uncovering My Confidence – Third Culture Kid Adaptability in Workplace Culture
Third Culture Kids are often adaptable.
But adaptability can be both a help and a hindrance.
Moving every 2-4 years gave me the instinct of assimilation. In school, this helped me adapt to each new environment. But once I was old enough to choose life myself, I was still following other people’s lead. In the workplace, I felt off balance and took years to uncover my core values and what I wanted from life.
In this episode, I talk to Balancing Cultures Podcast host Meghan Kitchin about my international life, and how I took my TCK adapting skills from anxiety inducing to confidence boosting.
Check out more of the Balancing Cultures episodes here.
Communication sits at the heart of all our interactions whether they are written, verbal or non-verbal, and yet very few of us are formally taught how to communicate. Most of us rely on the observations we make witnessing the people around us communicate; our parents, teachers, friends, colleagues and employers.
I was recently facilitating a group coaching session where we were talking about methods to communicate assertively and one participant said ‘No-one speaks like that at work, I could never say anything like that.’ My response was ‘How many people do you know who you would consider as assertive communicators?’ The whole group looked stumped and there were a few minutes of silence. Finally the participant who made the original comment mentioned she had a friend who was great at communicating assertively, but she was the only person she could name.
This participant was reluctant to use assertive communication at work because she couldn’t see anyone else modelling it. However when she did practice implementing some of the assertive communication techniques at work the next week, to her surprise she got the positive outcomes she was looking for. Not only did she feel more confident in herself, but her assertive communication improved project outcomes too. It didn’t even feel that awkward for her to communicate assertively in the end, even if she was the only person doing it.
It can be easy to assume that those around us, and particularly those senior to us, are good communicators. We have grown up learning to communicate by observing those around us, and while we inevitably learn some useful things we also unknowingly pick up bad habits and can be at risk of adopting unhelpful communication styles. This is especially true when working in high pressure environments, as good, assertive communication is usually one of the first things to go when pressure ramps up.
How can you find your assertive voice?
Learn your communication style We all have a natural tendency towards a particular communication style, and this can be dependent on the situation we find ourselves in. When you know your default style, you are better able to start adjusting how you communicate. Learn more about the four communication styles in this great overview from the University of Kentucky here.
Raise your awareness Begin shifting your attention to how you communicate in different situations. Over a working week, notice what your body language and behaviour is when you communicate with different people. Notice the words you choose to use and the tone and force with which you use them. What are you projecting by the way you are communicating? Which communication style are you adopting in which situations? Once you have this awareness, you can begin to address areas where your communication could be more assertive.
Set clear boundaries One of the best places to begin communicating assertively is around your boundaries because these can be quite easily reduced to short, clear, direct sentences. For example: ‘I don’t work weekends’ or ‘Commenting on my appearance is not appropriate. You need to stop.’
If you’ve ever wondered why your relationships are suffering at work or in your personal life it’s highly likely that communication is the root of the problem. If you don’t feel like you’re being taken seriously, that your voice is being heard, or you just feel like you’re being walked over, then communication is the likely culprit too. You have a choice to do something about it though, and by practicing these techniques you will begin to see the impact on your work, as well as your confidence.
I was doing some decluttering the other day and came across this peer-feedback report from my old job. It was so nice to read some of the comments that people had written about my strengths (my personal favourite is ‘Fearless’). There is so much praise here, and so much to be proud of.
AND when I read the section about development needs I get chills down my spine, because all of these comments point to the lack of confidence I had in myself. Other people could see it, and I knew it.
I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t trust myself, I didn’t love myself. I was harder and meaner to myself than anyone else could ever be, and all of this was sabotaging my career. It’s right there in the comments:
‘Does not contribute in meetings. Could be overlooked’
‘Not very visible’
‘Lacks confidence’
‘A quiet approach can mean some colleagues don’t feel they know her’
Having read my strengths you’d probably think this section was written about a different person. But no, it wasn’t, all of this was true. Despite being skilled at what I did, passionate about my work, and incredibly dedicated, I usually felt painfully uncomfortable at work because I was in the grips of self-doubt. My colleagues clearly thought I was great and doing a good job, but I couldn’t see it, and that was coming across in how I showed up on a daily basis at work, and it was severely impacting my ability to achieve my potential.
What my colleagues probably couldn’t see is the toll this was also taking on me physically and emotionally. I felt constantly out of my comfort zone and stressed. I had almost permanent brain fog, tight muscles, stomach cramps, and I often felt forgetful. My body was sending me loud signals that something was wrong and it felt like I was permanently under attack.
But from what? At the time it felt like everything, but in actuality, it was all self-sabotage. I WAS ATTACKING MYSELF!
I knew this wasn’t how I wanted to be, but I’d been consumed by this feeling for so long I really didn’t know how to change it. I felt like a victim.
It took me another 3 years to really wake up to what was wrong and start working on peeling back those layers of self-doubt. I wish I’d done something about it sooner, but sometimes when you’re so consumed by something you just can’t see the wood for the trees.
The path back to my confidence was not one I expected. It wasn’t about reading self-help books, and gaining hints and tips. It was about slowing down and reconnecting on a deep level with the confident woman I knew was hiding somewhere inside me. She needed coaxing out, rebuilding, loving. I know I couldn’t have done this without the support of a coach to guide me.
I know the pain, disappointment, frustration and overpowering discomfort that a lack of confidence in yourself can bring, and I really don’t want you to feel this way, because it is a waste of your time, energy and potential. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be successful in your career.
I’ve designed a 4-week group coaching programme to help other women make the shift from feeling self-doubt to self-confidence. A programme that will help you to reconnect with who you are and step back into your full power.
If you’ve received similar feedback to the feedback I did, and you feel ready to do something about it then the Ignite Your Confidence programme is for you.
Over 4 weeks you will learn to:
Deepen your understanding of yourself and reconnect with who you are and what drives you
Discover your core strengths and how to communicate them
Identify and overcome self-limiting beliefs
Learn how to cultivate self-confidence and enhance your resilience
All with the support of a certified coach and an intimate group of women also working on developing their confidence.
Programme Dates: We will meet on Monday evenings 19:30 – 21:00 CET starting Monday 7th March and ending on Monday 28th March.
Places are limited. Deadline for applications – Friday 4th March
I always knew I wanted kids and I spent the majority of my 20s worrying about how it would impact my career. I worked really hard, in part so that I could secure a position where I felt I was able to take maternity leave and not fall too far behind, and have the life-work balance that so many of us dream of.
I had always focused a lot on how a baby could negatively impact my career, so I never imagined that having a baby would be such a good thing for my business and for me as a solo business owner.
I preface this by making it clear that at no point has it been easy (that’s a different conversation)!
Here’s why having a baby was the best thing I did for my business:
Improved my Time Management
Doing anything with a newborn is basically like using the Pomodorro method. Whether it’s having a shower, working, or reading a chapter of your favourite book. You have very short amounts of time to get things done so you have to be intentional about what you do with that time. There was no time for scrolling my feed or naval-gazing. I had to decide what I was going to do and how exactly I was going to do it in advance so when I did have the time I used it to my advantage.
Accelerated my Decision Making
We all have those moments in our business when we don’t know how to move forward. Should we outsource the work to someone? Should we try and learn ourselves? I didn’t have time to waste wondering which path to take so made faster decisions on how to keep the momentum in my business. I invested in areas I could not do myself and cut tasks and projects I knew were not essential.
Expanded my Network
Building your network is one of the easiest things you can do during your maternity leave. You meet people from different industries and walks of life than your own because you have something new in common: a baby. Networking happens at the park, at baby groups and wherever mums are getting together. I started a Mom-Mastermind group for members of the Women Entrepreneurs Munich group so that we could share our business ideas and challenges whilst our kids were in the pram sleeping. My network increased 3 fold this year just because I had a baby.
Invested Time in my Development
When I wasn’t talking to others about business I was developing myself, reading books and listening to podcasts. It can be a challenge as an Entrepreneur to carve out time for professional development, so this was a real treat facilitated by hours of walks I wouldn’t usually have gone on, and days of endless breastfeeding.
Let Go of Perfectionism
It is absolutely impossible to do everything at the standard you used to before you had kids, or you end up either burnt out or not doing anything at all. I had to let go of perfectionism because it led me to ruminating over ideas and wasting so much of the little time I had. I had no choice other than to let go of it if I was going to make any progress at all. When I did, so much opened up to me. I began asking for help and coming up with loads of ideas to problems I’d been stuck on for a long time.
Time is money, yes we know, but we only really appreciate it when our time is actually limited. I had been underselling myself for too long. When it came to working during my maternity leave it had to be worth the effort to take time away from my family, so i finally started getting serious about what my time was worth.
How has having a child positively impacted your business?